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Issue 1
Sunday, April 7, 1996
Welcome to the first issue of  .
Here are the ground rules:
- Until I figure out how to set up password protection, nothing too
embarrassing will be printed.
- If you feel that
is somehow harming your reputation, I suggest taking a chill pill.
If that doesn't work, send me an e-mail and I'll remove the tidbit.
-
is a sado-masochistic slutty gigolo. It'll do anything you want. All
you have to do is beg. Our motto: All the news that causes
fits.
-
isn't just a rag. Its content depends on reader participation.
If you change jobs, adopt a pet from the Humane Society, win $5 at
the lottery, drop a line and let your friends know. Nothing
it too trite. If you've got photos, we accept snail mail pictures
as well as digital images.
WARNING: This first issue of
has no photographs. As soon as I get some, I'll stick 'em in.
With no further ado . . . much ado about nothing . . .
Index of Stuff
They're Dropping Like Flies
Manipulating Men with their Bodies
A Pyrrhic Victory
Do Me Baby
Thank You for Smoking
The Three Stooges
Bearer of Irish Gifts
Bible Reading Can Be Fun
Yup, another wedding. Chris van Löben Sels (a/k/a Löben, vLS,
Tool) and Laurie Hall (a/k/a Space Law Laurie Hall) got hitched at the
Carmel Mission Basilica in California on Saturday, March 30. I
laughed, I cried, I fell in my pie. They threw one helluva
party.
For those who are interested, scout reports indicate that the honeymoon
in Mexico was fun for the whole family. The two newlyweds
learned how to scuba dive. And as a special bonus, Laurie
had an opportunity to successfully defend her first client -- Löben. Details
are a bit sketchy, but apparently Laurie convinced the Mexican authorities
to refrain from garnishing all of Löben's future wages. (Repeat
after me children: "Yes officer, we respect the laws of Mexico . . .
No officer, we don't have US$300 to pay for Chris's illegal U-Turn."). Ask
the couple for more details.
The wedding itself was beautiful. Blah, blah, blah. What
you really want is details . . .
Kathy Schaefer and Lynn Fischer get top kudos for the weekend. They
wanted to rent a convertible and live up that hippie chic life. One
snag: convertibles are just too damn expensive. Solution: turn
on those feminine wiles. Here's the reconstructed dialogue:
"The car will cost $59 a day," says the unsuspecting XY-chromosed
car rental employee.
"What about AAA?" asks Lynn, with a faint smile.
"Already calculated in there," mutters the victim, shuffling a bit.
"What about California resident discounts?" suggests Kathy, staring
the dude directly in the eye.
"Nope," says he, as sweat begins to coalesce on his brow.
"But we're cute," says Lynn.
The guy's throat starts to crackle. He pitches a tent downstairs.
He doubles over to the double-X chromosomes. "How about $39?" he whimpers.
"Perfect," says the Dynamic Duo.
FYI: Lynn used a similar technique later that weekend with
Bandage Boy. Don't understand? Feel free to write Lynn and ask her all
about it.
Ever been asked what happens if you're in a car traveling at the speed
of light and you turn on your headlights?
Here's a new variation:
What happens if you're hung over in a car traveling something not
quite the speed of light and you start projectile puking on the steering
wheel?
For answers, write to Kathy or Rent-A-Wreck.
Special mention goes to Randall Cook (a/k/a the Dude who wrote Tetris
for the Georgetown Voice; the Dude who caused the Voice to consistently
miss its deadlines). Randall convinced the D.J. at the wedding
reception to play rap music. Apparently, a V.I.P. had decreed
that no rap should ring out on that special night of connubial bliss.
Although nobody knows exactly how the deed was accomplished, it has
been rumored that Randall and girlfriend Carmen convinced the D.J. that
the Humpty Dance was actually a remix of Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to
the Moon."
A few people were happily grabbed in the biscuits.
Cigars are on the rebound. Lenny Fears, some guy named Buzz,
and Yours Truly brought stogies to the reception. Even a
few Cubans were enjoyed by all.
Many people try to look cool with a wad a tobacco stuck between
their lips, but few succeed. Top honor goes to Wendy Hannan (a/k/a a
reformed cigarette smoker). Runner-Up award goes to Liz Green, who always
knows how to look cool with something long between her lips. (I
hope that the preceding sentence isn't in poor taste, so to speak. If
so,
would be more than happy to remove the item. The editorial
staff truly cares about you, the reader.)
The ushers did okay seating folks for the wedding. Drew Hallin (a/k/a
Drü) walked people to their seats as if he was sliding across a
dance floor. Nicholas Lapham (a/k/a the guy who picks up
the slack for vLS at work) got people down the aisle with all hellspeed
so that he could make a 3 p.m. tee-off. Chris Lopata managed
to walk in a straight line for the most part.
Unfortunately, nobody told the three where to sit during the wedding. They
were still switching seats and confusing unsuspecting relatives as the
organist and trumpeter heralded the coming of the bride. ("Huh-huh,
he said 'organ'.") Oh well.
Moira McManus ain't stupid. Predicting that the wedding guests might
make a wee bit of noise during the evening hours, Moira did what any
sensible, responsible party-goer would do: she bribed the dude at the
front desk.
Scott, as he was affectionately known, was showered with beer, party
invitations, beer, innocent flirtations, beer, conversation, and beer.
Despite the often loud festivities at Camp Carmel (we all stayed in
bungalow cabins), Scott scuttled nearly all complaints.
Scott even managed to figure out that a cryptic phone message for
"Tor" should be routed to the Party Central Mothership at Kathy and
John's cabin.
Only once, when several campers were simulating orgasms at the top
of their lungs, did Scott interrupt the party. All agreed that the noise
could be toned down. Someone gave Scott another beer. All was cool.
Three folks read passages at the wedding: Wendy (a/k/a Laurie's Mom),
Chris Kelly, and Jason Henderson. All were well delivered but Jason
wins the "How to make a lovey-dovey Bible passage sound like the Apocalypse"
Award.
For those that don't know, Jason and spouse Julia Guzman throw a kick
tail Halloween party each year. Folks must prepare and present an original
work of horror fiction some point during the party.
Jason, who incidentally has starred in several movies about Friday
the 13th, did a fine job. Bravo.
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